I can't tell you how many times I've looked in the mirror and actually said to myself, "How could you ever think you were pretty? You're not - you're not even average. Not good enough for anyone - you'd be lucky if anyone settled for you."
I know what that sounds like: immature, infantile, cliche, silly - or just plain brutal. I remember the first time I told myself that.
In high school, I dated a guy who was really popular. He was tall and had blue eyes matched with dark hair. He was hot. His friends all noticed me when we started dating, so I liked it. I was convinced that the guy hung the moon - and he could do no wrong. However, I was still seventeen - and quite stupid. My family decided to move away, and I freaked out. I'm embarrassed by the way I acted during that year. The dream boat guy called me exactly three times while we were dating. I called the poor bastard every single day, whether he liked it or not. I would sob over the phone about where "we" were headed, and blame him for everything. I ran off the best friends I've ever had with my sullen disposition and self-pity. Sooner or later, he started to resent me. Instead of handling it like a grownup, the young man berated me behind my back about everything I said to him. "She's psychotic!" He'd say - and he wasn't too far off the mark. I'd gone mad. Finally, we mutually broke up because I realized that he didn't really like me anymore. He skipped away merrily to date the thirteen-year-old in eighth grade that had grown tits over the summer. She was skinnier and prettier than I. I based my entire personality on that boy who thought I was cute enough to have around for a few months.
I remember running to the bathroom to throw up. When I got there, however, I realized something. I hate throwing up - this is ridiculous. I tried not to eat, but I really enjoy food. So - there I was, not even able to get skinny using unhealthy methods. I stood sideways and looked in the mirror. Ugh. I still remember my exact words.
"
You. Are. Horrible." I looked into the eyes of my reflection and forced myself to believe every syllable.
When I finally got over Mr. High School, I vowed to myself that I'd never let myself get that messed up over a man again.
I kept my vow - but I cheated. Hooray for stupid college mistakes! Instead of finding one man to kill myself wanting - I decided to base my looks on every guy I met. I taught myself to simply "go in for the kill" and make out with as many guys as possible - without emotional attachments. Everyone will tell you that that kind of behavior will come back and slap you in the face. They're right.
I got sick of only the physical part of hooking up, so I got a crush on a guy during my college year. He loved Jesus (the first Christian guy I encountered during my frenzy), and he loved writing. He and I stayed up for hours one night - we read each other's writing, listened to DJ Shadow, and smoked Nat Sherman cigarettes. I hadn't opened up to a guy in so long - it felt good. He said I was pretty - said he didn't want me to stay the night, in case we got too carried away. He ended up kissing me, and I made the mistake of telling him that I might have a crush on him. It scared the living daylights out of the poor guy, and he didn't speak to me for weeks. I'm good friends with his roommate, and we had this conversation a couple of weeks later:
"I know how you help you get over him!" The roommate said suddenly.
"Well, no need - I'm over and done! Doesn't take me long!" I lied with a winning smile.
"Ah - okay... Well then, this will just make things even better - he's had this girl sleep over every night for a week now!" He smiled, hoping he'd just made my day. Guys can be strangely ignorant, sometimes.
I must confess, I sought out the girl he'd let stay the night. Just as I had expected. With a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach, I noticed her tiny frame, short stature, and pretty dark hair - cropped close to her face. Her little button nose turned up just a little bit at the end, and her high-heels didn't make her look like a monster.
Just like a fool, I ran to a bathroom in the park nearby. This time, I was a bit more vehement. It was the middle of the night. I smashed the mirror with a scream. "You will NEVER be wanted!" I shouted. My contorted face was jarred by the shattered glass and I could see was horror and revulsion. Who in their right mind would actually WANT me? I'm 5'11", big boned, and I weigh 225 lbs. My hair is dirty-blond and boring, and my eyes are not spectacular. The only thing exceptional about me is that I'm taller than most people.
I think I'm unattractive - and it's not because I have a low self-image, either. It's because that's what's been pummeled into my head since I was in middle school. Think about it:
1. Skinny is beautiful.
2. Guys want girls to be shorter than they are.
3. Muscles and big bones only belong on men (and ugly women).
4. Everything about women should be carefully calculated - from clothes to eyebrows to shaving to losing weight.
5. Guys will settle for girls like me - but I'll never be their first choice.
I've been watching the show Heroes like a mad villain recently. It's a pretty lame addiction, but I like it. A couple of days ago, though - I noticed something I did NOT like. Every male role in the show is different. Thin, muscular, pudgy, short, tall - but they are all seen as attractive. The women, however, look exactly the alike. Sure - they come in different colors and heights - but their bodies are all thin and perfect. Even the fat guy has a gorgeous slender wife. How'd he get her if I can't get anyone?
Think about celebrities: Queen Latifa, for instance. "Big, but beautiful!" Why BUT beautiful? Why say "big" at all? I've seen much bigger. She's about my size. That's "big". Any celebrity that does not have a thin cookie-cutter body showcases that fact. If a woman on TV is normal-sized, everyone makes a big deal about the fact that she's pretty "anyway". They say her face is nice - or her skin is lovely - it's never the whole body, because she's not right somehow.
I'm not right somehow.
Fuck the media.
Comments (13)
Emily, you probably don't care what I think, but I'm pummeled(sp?) by the same feelings... and I couldn't tell you how many times I've looked in the mirror, even still, and say the same things. The media sucks, and it's a brainwasher. Lame.
@livinforyourname213 - "brainwashing" is the perfect word! A long time ago, fat women were thought of as the MOST beautiful - and the skinny ones probably felt the same way then as the fat ones do now... Weird how it has that much power over one's self-esteem.
I'm not going to lie to you. Sometimes I wish the Renaissance would come back, that way all the "fat" women in those paintings (which, let's face it, most of America looks like anyways) would be boss. But think about it, sometimes it's so much easier to put on weight than it is to lose it, so those lovely thin girls weren't at too much of a loss. The negative images in the media can die, please. (:
Media really does play a big role. It's hard to ignore it all when it's always in your face. I don't think you should be too hard yourself. There is always someone out there for you. Don't forget that confidence plays a big part and that has nothing to do with how many guys you've kissed or been with. It's how you present yourself. If you're confident in who and how you are, then so will others. I, myself, am not model thin. Though I wish I could be a bit skinnier. I think it's harder with Asians. Asians girls are suppose to be small and petite. That's what the family likes,or at least mine. And that's what society likes. I'm not that small and petite but I don't mind.
Every woman fights this battle. Every. Last. One. My appearance actually has nothing to do with it. Does my jean size mean I won't beat myself up for jiggly belly, muscle mass, acne, frizzy hair, no fashion sense? NO. I have, and I still look into the mirror way too much. Of course we want to be beautiful. We're women. We're also silly, because we are beautiful. We can't help it. We're loved by a Holy God, and we are beautiful to him. And men are attracted to our bodies, minds, and hearts, because we are women, and we are beautiful to them. Oh, Holy Spirit, how we need you to drown out the voices, to renew our minds and old hateful patterns. I love you for posting this, Em. You are always a breath of fresh air.
@Mermish - I know - it's weird how so many women are SO gorgeous (like myself ha ha) but media and popular ideals will only say they are below average and ugly. I love your fizzy hair and fashion sense, by the way - you are breathtaking my dear. :)
I know exactly what you mean. I'm really tall too, though--5'10ish, if not a little taller. I picked at myself though until it was so ingrained that I wasn't good enough...agh I'm getting better at it, though. It's just something that has to be worked at, I guess
And the police!
Um, okay so I'm basically one of those "small, thin, short" girls, but I just wanted to say.
I once looked in the mirror and forced myself to believe I was a worthless piece of shit.
bad memories.
Emily!!!!! how could you??? you are one of the most incredible people
on the planet! you are so beautiful, not only are you physically
beautiful (with those gorgeous mutli-colored eyes that I so deeply covet), but have a beautiful spirit! you have such a passion for people and their struggles, no matter how big. One thing I have always admired about you, and have ALWAYS wished I had, is your ability to talk to anyone, I have seen you strike up a conversation with the crazy African fan ice guy, then turn right around and start talking to someone like me who is shy and afraid of awkward situations. you have friends from every walk of life, all of whom love you dearly. You are one of my favorite people on this planet and, even though you may not, I see God working through you so much in big and little ways. knowing you the way I do I know you rather be heraing this from a super hot boy, but boys aren't everything!!!!! most of them are really dumb.... (especially at this age, when they are still in that kind of "college" mentality, where all they wanna do is get drunk and hook up with girls) I am absolutely sure there is someone out there that is so perfect for you that when you figure it out, it will be totally mind blowing! he will see just how beautiful and sexy you are on the outside, as well as how incredible you are on the inside, and will love you for it, and love God for giving you to him. I love you so much and I cryed when I read this (and you know just how much I cry... I'm a freaking ice box). You have friends that love you truly and deeply, and a God that loves you even more. YOU are worth more than anything in this entire world, I promise!!!!
@emmalujean - Emma Jean - you are my favorite Texan. Ever. Ever. I'm SO glad I got to play with you and hug you and cudddddle you late at night!! <3<3
@DearRicky - I am positive that some woman will fall in love with you, dear! You've got the kind of transparency that some groovy chick is going to love someday. I'm sure that your physical disability won't be that big of a deal. Your writing is gorgeous. <3