The sensitive skin underneath my fingernails aches from clawing the concrete wall that separates me from you. I am lost in a dense fog - a haze of weigh-ins, calorie-counting, and spreadsheets on computer screens. Every time I look at food, a battle inside me begins. I want to taste it so badly....but the thought of putting on another pound terrifies me. Hunger always wins. Even when I say I'm not going to indulge in something, I eat it anyway and feel like a failure. Why can't I have willpower?
More importantly: why can't I talk to you anymore?
I went grocery shopping today. It was, as expected, another torturous event. Everything I saw, I wanted to eat; but everything I saw also tallied up as weight. When I opened the trunk of my car, my heart cringed. There was my Bible, half-open and neglected. I grabbed the precious book from its forsaken and forlorn exile and clutched it to my chest. I cried aloud, "I miss you, too!" and started reading immediately, searching for words from the Most High God, my Savior.
At least, I wish that's what happened.
I didn't even look twice at your Word. I put my groceries in on top of it, closed the trunk, and got into my car.
By the time I lit my cigarette and turned on my car stereo, I had completely forgotten about the non-incident.
I am putting so many other things in front of you. I am steeped in thoughts about my weight, I cannot be alone without calling someone to hang out with me, and I am addicted to my new job.
This is so painful. What I want more than anything is for things to go back to the way they were. I want to stop caring so much about what I look like and care more about what you think. I want to feel you in the breeze and see shards of you in my friend's faces and actions. I want you to be so obvious to me that I can't go five minutes without telling you how much you mean to me.
I've tried talking to you - I really have. I'm screaming and searching for a crevice in the wall I've carefully constructed between us. When I'm in my car alone, I talk to you. Can you even hear me? Every other part of me is so loud that it seemingly drowns out the tiny whispered prayer.
In case you didn't hear, this is what I've been trying to say:
"My beautiful and powrful Father, thank you for making the sun. Thank you for moving me to Texas and blessing me with this new job opportunity. Thank you for being real. I love you so much. I'm sorry that I've been so quiet. I know you love me. Please close my mind to all but you. I feel like I'm dead when I forget about you. I miss you when I don't say good morning as soon as I wake up. I miss you. Make me alive again."
Comments (13)
This is an incredible post because it is so real, not just for you, but for me as well. I'm trying so hard to get back in touch with God, and yet not doing anything at all.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Good prayers.
nice prayer. nice thoughts. and i once felt what you feel about food. now i indulge.
@hi_its_ellie - I indulged for my entire life. I'm just now starting to realize that my weight has gotten out of control :( it's scary to suddenly realize you're obese! I'm doing better now, though - another 50 lbs and my BMI will be healthy.
You are alive...You need to just remember that you are...and even if you are quiet...he still hears you.
This is excellent.
A neautiful prayer. I think we have all been where you are now. Like all relationships, it takes work and communication. The Bible is God's words to you just as your prayers here are your's to Him. You are His child and I am sure He misses you.
(Thank you for the foot prints :) )
You've taken a huge step on a new journey. Keep walking.
I can sympathize with this so much. I feel like I've wandered from God and I want desperately to get back in touch with him too. I have faith that he can save us from ourselves.
God is love, you got that right.consider that your soul is your true form, and your body is just a reflection of how you feel about your soul. you know what you believe, so remember that you believe in it, not because you were made to, but because it was given to you for that purpose. beauty, not to sound cliche, is the energy below that surface, and anyone who doesn't see beyond the surface is asleep on their feet. this does not mean that you have to be. understand that what makes any of us beautiful is not what we do or say or think, but the very fact of our existence and the fact that nobody saves anyone from themselves except themselves.
ask within, not without, and you'll see how true this is. that's how i did it.
It's a good prayer. I pray that you find that place again.
this is beautiful, and all too relate-able. particularly the line about seeing shards of you in the people around me. I like the use of shards, like it's someone who's shattered, fallen into pieces at your feet rather than what they once were. it's beautiful